Was Jane Austen’s love life as romantic as her novels? Did she ever have sex? Did Jane ever find love?
My Dearest Miss Austen,
I pen these words with profound sincerity and heartfelt gratitude. It is with deepest appreciation that I extend my thanks for the enchanting narratives with which you have graced the world. Your tales have transported my imagination to realms surpassing even my most fervent dreams. In times of tribulation, your literary companionship has been a solace, a constant source of delight.
I am filled with gratitude for the esteemed privilege of partaking in the company of your beloved characters at Mansfield Park. The encounter with Miss Emma Woodhouse and your esteemed friend, Mr. Darcy, was an occasion of unparalleled warmth and joy. Though our temperaments may differ, I find myself drawn to Mr. Darcy’s benevolent nature, and I venture to hope that our acquaintance may deepen into a lasting companionship.
With bated breath, I eagerly anticipate our next rendezvous, and with the gracious consent of my dear father, I shall extend to you an invitation to grace Northanger Abbey with your presence for the upcoming ball. I am certain that the festivities shall be to our mutual delight, providing ample opportunity for merriment and revelry.
In fervent anticipation of our next meeting, I remain,
Yours most affectionately,
Lindsay
While the letter above is my poor attempt at thanking Miss Jane Austen for her contributions to the literary world and the wonderful stories that have transported me to a time of subtle, deep, and boundary-breaking love — it is also a distraction. Amid these words of admiration and gratitude, I hope she finds a respite from my prying curiosity regarding her personal life and intimate romantic secrets.
The Assumption
One would assume, owing to her iconic romantic novels, that Jane Austen lived a widely romantic life. But is that the case? Was Jane a Virgin? Did she ever find true love?
Perhaps, as we dive deeper into her love life we may realise that Jane, like many of us, lived vicariously through her complex characters and their emotional journeys in the competitive marriage market.
“Single women have a dreadful propensity for being poor — which is one very strong argument in favour of Matrimony”
A letter from Jane to Fanny Knight . 13 March 1817
To understand Jane’s choices and love life we must understand what type of household she came from. Jane’s father, George Austen, had a modest income as a vicar and no money to leave his daughters. Although well respected and established, as time passed the Austen’s financial situation deteriorated as they navigated a changing world and new cities.
Unfortunately, a woman’s fortune was passed on and controlled by a father or husband. This resulted in marriages based on economic advantages rather than love.
Jane knew she would have to overcome this financial hurdle, more than likely by marriage. It was time to turn on her witty and flirtatious charm.
The First
Tom Lefroy and Jane Austen. Source: Jane Austen, A to Z: Tom Lefroy by Chasing Destino
In 1795 Jane met Tom Lefroy. The two attended many parties and balls, where music, dance, and stimulating conversation were the foundation of their fondness. It appears, in letters to her sister Cassandra, Jane described him as a “…very gentlemanlike, good-looking, pleasant young man”.
However, this idyllic chapter of young fancy ended when Tom was forced to return to his hometown, Ireland, bound by familial duty. With 10 siblings Tom had the weighty responsibility of financially supporting his family. He was left with no choice but to seek marriage in economic favour.
With the combination of societal expectation, family responsibility, and Jane’s lack of fortune, Tom’s family likely did not approve of our Miss Jane Austen. It was clear that Jane and Tom would never share the same dance floor or exchange words through letters again.
Two years passed, and Tom married Mary Paul, the sister of a college friend. Sadly this resulted in the finality of Jane’s potential love match. Through heartbreak and societal constraints, Jane possibly channeled her experience and disappointment into the creation of her first draft of Pride and Prejudice that very same year.
‘’The Day is come on which I am to flirt my last with Tom Lefroy, & when you receive this it will be over — My tears flow as I write, at the melancholy idea.”
A letter from Jane to Cassandra on her final meeting with Tom. 1796
The Second
In anticipation of the beginning of the Napoleonic Wars, British citizens flocked to the seaside, owing to a limited inclination to travel to Europe for their holidays. Jane’s family joined many in the ‘fashion for tourism’. One of her favourite seaside holidays, an inspiration for her novel Persuasion, was Lyme-Regis in Dorset.
Historian, Lucy Worsely believes that for Jane, being at the seaside was “all about cutting loose and letting go”. Consequently, with that, came holiday flings. It is said that Jane did indeed indulge in a romantic liaison with a mysterious and intriguing man. This romance left a mark on Jane’s heart, so much so that her sister later described it as “the love of Jane’s life”.
There is little evidence of who this was and how it came to an end, leaving us to seek clues within the pages of her novels — tapping into our imaginations to explore the possibilities.
Perhaps we may be mistaken in our understanding. Was there a man or was Lyme-Regis the love of her life?
Lyme-Regis circa 1796, sketched by Nixon, Esq.
The Third
With young passions and concealed romances we’re prompted to speculate as to why, despite her experiences, Jane had not yet received an official offer of marriage. Jane did get another chance at ‘Happily Ever After’ in the form of Harris Bigg-Wither, described as “an eligible country gentleman” and brother of Jane’s friends. In 1802, when Jane, aged 26, almost 27, met Harris, she was viewed as advancing in age in a world of young married women. There was a promise of ‘happily-ever-after’ when Harris undeterred by the age difference, he was 21, eventually mustered the courage to propose. Jane accepted. End of story, well that’s what the conventional narrative would have us believe.
A portrait of Harris Bigg-Wither. Source: Digital Austen
The following day Jane broke off the engagement. Extremely awkward to say the least.
We can speculate that Jane refused to bind herself to a marriage void of love. Jane’s decision is mirrored in Mansfield Park. Fanny Price, despite her impoverished circumstances refuses to marry the wealthy and successful Henry Crawford. Why? Because Fanny does not love him. This is a sentiment that clearly resonated with Jane as she made her own decision, although a decision that must have weighed heavily on her, considering the opportunity it provided to alleviate their economic struggles.
In the marriage market of the 19th century, Jane’s perceived lack of allure added another layer of complexity. Although she was witty, intelligent, and humorous, this was, possibly, not appealing to the genteel men of the century. Coupled with the common theme of the time and the bias toward those of low income, it meant that Jane, was very likely, not a catch.
“Did the spinster Jane Austen ever have sex with a man? The answer is almost certainly not, in my belief”
Lucy Worsely at the Hay Festival.
Jane, very likely, was not a catch. Although she was witty, intelligent, and humorous, this was possibly not appealing to the genteel men of the 19th century. In addition to this, a common theme in this century, she was poor.
Jane's Only Love
Sadly, Jane never married and the likelihood of her having sex without marriage was extremely slim. The assumption is that novelists simply write what they know. For those who may have read some of her novels or dabbled in the film adaptions, you will notice a common lack of sex or even risk of sex for Jane’s heroines. This, as Lucy Worsely explains, was a class and social issue. Jane was financially heavily dependent on her family and her father earned a modest income, often experiencing financial issues.
Women in a lower social class than Jane may have experienced sex before marriage — ‘it is estimated that one-third of brides went to the alter pregnant’. Due to Jane’s dependence on her family, a pregnancy would have been a disaster, and Jane may have responsibly chosen not to take the risk, even with a blissful summer fling.
You’ll note that Austen’s characters often grapple with the anticipation of admitting their love. Although her stories are often mistaken as just romances, they extend beyond this as a comment on the society of the time. The constrained roles of women and their dependence on men, the disparities between social classes, and the societal pressures and expectations to fit into the mold of the 19th-century woman.
The suspense created in these admissions of love means that the romance is simply a parallel story to the common and broader challenges of the period; they are critiques of the time. Austen, with her famous wit, brings these stories to a swift resolution. The characters admit their love and the reader feels satisfied as these societal challenges find a resolution in marital bliss. We get but a glimpse, and a quick resolution, as Austen does not delve further into the intricacies of married life, perhaps, because she had no personal experience to draw from.
Fan art of Jane Austen's writing. Source: Jane Austen Detectives
There is another theory as to why Jane never married and in turn, died a virgin. She was a devoted novelist since her teenage years and may have feared that her writing would have suffered from the daily efforts of being both wife and mother. A few months after Jane had accepted and rejected the proposal from Harris Bigg-Wither, she sold her novel Susan (Northanger Abbey). Jane pursued a life not reliant on a husband — the result of which may be the novels we have today.
“there are as many forms of love as there are moments in time”
Jane Austen, Mansfield Park
Although Jane was unlucky in marriage, she was lucky in love. A different kind of love. A deep passion for storytelling, a strong bond with a devoted and supportive sister, and a contented love, through her niece Fanny and other dear friends, of female companionship. Here she found complete independence. Perhaps a virgin, but still a woman of the world, who in her many homes, and financial struggles possibly experienced life beyond the confines of a ‘happily married woman’.
Jane had many opinions and experiences reflected in her novels. Due to the intentional destruction of many letters by her sister, there are limited resources available to reflect on Jane’s love life. A speculated attempt to maintain Jane’s reputation — what scandals was she hiding? As Erin Blakemore from the History Channel states “Given Jane’s portrayal of bumbling proposals, thwarted crushes, and a ruthless marriage market, it’s tempting to think that her love life was even more colorful than we know.”
So we are left to indulge in her novels for hidden insights into the love life of Jane Austen. Perhaps, now, we’ll approach her stories with a fresh perspective.
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